I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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