I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
