I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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