My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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