Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
