I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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