the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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