So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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