Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
