Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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