would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
