Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I would ride that face into the sunset
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
