Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
