So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
