Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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