Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So vagazzling was a success
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
