Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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