I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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