well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
