i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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