Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
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