Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
