It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
