he puts the penis in happiness.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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