He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
