You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My dick has a subreddit
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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