Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
