i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
