why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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