it hurts more in the daytime
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
