so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
