You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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