dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's Friday. Sex?
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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