My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
