i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
