is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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