Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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