If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
please come you make the beer taste better
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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