Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
