Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
