end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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