the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
