mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
