I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
