But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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