Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
