if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
