I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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