my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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