That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
