If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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