why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
