Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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