Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
