my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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