It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize