Quick, to the slutcave!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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