so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize