you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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